I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
