I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
how drunk are you?
Several
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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