i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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