Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize