My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
