Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
