Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
