I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
