just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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