Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
