he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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