I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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