I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You work out of a Hotel?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize