sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
