She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
