you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
that is very illegal...i love you.
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