it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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