I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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