he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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