i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
