Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
