it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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