she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
