I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
