I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
