Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
