He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
