Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
