they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
