i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
