My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
