How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
