did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
