Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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