I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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