I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
