How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
