Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
