Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
