hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
