Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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