i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
3pm strippers are depressing
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
