Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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