On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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