o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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