who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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