I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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