There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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