You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
