farters have to be the big spoon...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
