last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
