I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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