when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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