just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize