Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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