Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
