i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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